Ultimate Ghosts 'n' Goblins
PSP
Capcom

Earlier in the year, a friend of mine got a little over-excited on ebay and became the proud owner of an original cocktail-table arcade-cabinet, carrying the original 1985 'Ghosts 'n' Goblins'. It cost him just over two grand and people laughed, unable to see such a purchase as anything other than an extravagant indulgence in a dusty old heap of '80s memorabilia. People were right, of course, but there was more to it, I knew. This was a piece of our childhood, this wasn't 'just another game', this was 'GHOSTS 'N' GOBLINS', we were there, man, we knew. Over many months, many drinks and many, many turns of phrase unsuitable for this fine publication, we discovered something we never knew back then about good old 'G'n'G'. It is, and I don't make this claim lightly; or quietly, the hardest fucking game I have ever played.

The concept is far from difficult: kill the monsters, save the princess. The locations are nothing special: graveyard, forest...Most of the personality comes from the sheer dickiness of the controls. In fact, the closest thing 'Ghosts 'n' Goblins' has to original gameplay is that when the main character gets hit his armor falls off and he runs around in his underpants. That, and the difficulty. Ghosts 'n' Goblins is basic and horrible, throwing baddie after baddie at you more or less constantly. Get hit once and you're in your undies, twice and you're dead and in the bad old days that meant only one thing: going right back to the start of the level and trying again and again.

If you've played any of the 700,000-odd remakes released on the PSP so far you've got a pretty reasonable idea of what to expect. If you haven't, here's the skinny: much nicer graphics, same awful controls, lots more blood. The big difference is that we now have the option of playing an easier version that allows you to continue from where you died, thus boring the hell out of you with a brief, repetitive game. Then there's Ultimate Mode, which does its absolute darndest to capture the quintessentially irritating experience of the original 'G'nG' and succeeds spectacularly. 'The kids of today' won't know what hit 'em - more than a few PSPs should end up sailing through bedroom windows over this one.

In all, it's a nice little homage, if you're into that sort of thing (you old nerd). Personally, the fog of imperfect memory is my preferred 'G'n'G' platform - it's much, much less irritating.

Ryan Davidson