Cars
PS2
Rainbow Studios/THQ



The Disney co-production of the 'Cars' animated feature is widely considered to be Pixar Studios' least impressive film to date. That's not really a hell of a criticism, touting 'Cars' as Pixar's worst film is like talking about Hendrix's worst guitar solo, Jesus' crappiest miracle, the most forgettable blowjob you've ever had. While it may well be the worst of its kind, it's a pretty damn good kind, full stop. In contrast to the film's worst-of-the-best status, as a heartless, generic, uninspired, bland THQ-released blockbuster-tie-in game, 'Cars' may well be the best of a rapidly expanding genre of the very, very worst.

In the tradition of the 'Starsky And Hutch' and 'Dukes Of Hazard' games, 'Cars' is an example of that universally awful idea: the driving adventure game. What this amounts to is a racing game with half the races removed and a bunch of deeply naff scavenger hunts and story missions tacked on to replace them. Diversifying from the core racing dynamic (into hide'n'seek, find/catch the character/item missions...and...I don't know...cookie-baking simulations), the game delivers many more types of gameplay, and does all of them equally badly. Cars, it occurs to one, are for driving. Cars aren't so good at 15-point-turning their way around a pokey free roaming mission-hub, or playing find-the-secret-packages all over some Death Valley rock formation, in a vein attempt to collect enough points to open up another race. The races also suck pretty badly, by the way, I'm assuming the hippies at Rainbow Studios were too busy pulling bongs and giggling over the tire-shop mini-games to really notice.

On the upside, 'Cars' is, in general, quite brightly coloured. There's the characters from the film, all voiced by the original cast, who deliver their patented catch-phrases like "Cha-chow" and "Hello" as you bump your way around them, trying to get into Grandma-Fanbelt's house of Missing Collectable Things, or whatever. And it's not very hard (just tedious). So EVERYONE can enjoy it. Provided they are under five or over 50. Or if they're a bit simple and just like to see the broom-broom talk.

If that's not you, forget it.

Ryan Davidson