Urban Chaos: Riot Response
PS2
Eidos Interactive/Rocksteady Studios


There I was, ready to get offended. After all the censorship hype and general bullshit surrounding 'Grand Theft Auto', 'Manhunt' and 'Getting Up Under Pressure' and their so-called glorification-of-criminal-behaviour, a game like this was bound to happen. I can almost see the board room: the CEO, the Marketing exec and the cringing Game Designer, "What we need is a game with all the violent, immoral behaviour that the Kids love, but with none of the costly legal ramifications... I've got it! Make the player a cop!" Yes! It's another Police Brutality Simulator. It's all kosher, because you're a cop.

Just to set the record straight, I haven't got a problem with video game violence. Video game violence is great, video game violence has kept me out of prison, and made my dreams so very cinematic and confusing. It's the ridiculous lack of conservative backlash, as long as the player character is a Good Guy and shoots Bad Guys in the face with a shotgun, and not vice-versa.

And so...Armed with these pre-formed gripes and grievances, I entered the world of 'Urban Chaos'. Unfortunately, rather than propelling me into vitriolic tantrums of righteousness, 'Urban Chaos' is so bland; so unimaginative and capital-S Standard in every way, that I could barely muster an exhausted groan. To quote the press release: "...This will be an original and intense challenge for gamers." If by 'original' you mean 'running down corridors, shooting at people with guns', then this is true and you are retarded. From the soft-focus American flag on the boot screen, to the uninspired "You gotta get in there and kill those bastards! You're our only hope!" dialogue, 'Urban Chaos: Riot Response' is so pretentiously underwhelming that it's almost NOT THERE AT ALL. Should you have the poor fortune to own this game, don't be surprised if you snore yourself awake, exclaiming "Oh, I'm playing a video game. I thought I was doing my taxes." As a survival mechanism, you may like to catalogue the sheer number of gameplay elements you've seen a million times before. Like a First-Person-Shooter clichˇ manual. Or you could read a book instead, clean the gutters, take a nice walk or something, or play something that's not crap.

Capsule review: imagine 'Half-Life 2' with no aliens, no vehicles, no puzzles, no imagination, no fun. Then go play 'Half Life 2' and forget all about this hyped-up snore-fest.

Ryan Davidson