G1 Jockey 4
Koei
PS2

What the...? Wait, let's give this thing a chance. It's... Oh, I see, it's... oh. No... But. Seriously, it's... Huh? What the hell IS this?

What this is, is (so I've read) the Most In-Depth And Accurate Horse-Racing-Simulator Available On The PS2. Immediately the question leaps to mind: compared to what? One can only assume from the title of this game that there must be at least another three out there. Which brings another, much more pressing question to the fore, namely: why? But before I go into that I'll try to illustrate what a horse-racing-simulator amounts to.

You play a Jockey. You race horses. I must warn (those who think this might be a good idea) that the actual racing is mostly taken care of by the horse itself. If you want to feel at all involved you can 'drive' the horse, pull on the reigns, switch your 'lead leg', 'steer' the horse, and whip it. As much as you like. There are four different ways to whip a horse, apparently. The 'strategy', it seems, is to conserve just enough of your horse's stamina, potential and motivation until the home stretch, where you can beat it's final breath out as you cross the finish line. Apart from the overly-complicated and disturbing mini-game style of the races, you get to grovel with owners, trainers, breeders, the press, other jockeys and your instructor through a randomly connected series of blindingly dull menus and text-box dialogue, all set to the beat of a maddeningly short loop of what sounds like Kenny G covering the Family Ties theme. Do it 'well' (ie: enough) and you'll get some fake money, riding points, and more races, for more points. Which brings me to the 'why'...

I'm not about to come on all weirdy-beardy and animal-rights-ish on you all if I can help it, but horse-racing has always appeared to me to be as dull as it is morally reprehensible. I've always imagined that, like bear-baiting, gladiatorial blood-sports, and Hey Dad, horse-racing would eventually grow ashamed of itself and quietly go away, to be remembered only as yet another embarrassingly barbaric smear on our evolutionary bib. I'd assumed, also, that my generation and those after represented a more pristine and digitally advanced breed to our knuckle-dragging ancestors. But the fact that G1 Jockey (and it's three sequels) exists indicates a strange conclusion: that there are horse-racing fans out there who play video games. Whoever they are, I hope 'G1 Jockey 4' keeps them off the streets until Cock-Fighter '07 comes out.

Ryan Davidson.