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Bon JoviHave A Nice Day Island/UMG With the stench of AFL Trade Week still hanging heavy in the air, let's imagine a world where band members could be traded and swapped as well. You see, this record is awful -the same song over and over, with a smattering of songs that should never have been written at all - and the only way to save the band is by trading wisely. As Team Bon Jovi's Manager of Music Operations, I immediately offer Jon Bon Jovi himself as trade bait. His lyrics range from banal to inane - particularly on Last Man Standing and Bells Of Freedom, in which "There's a silent scream no-one could hear" (No Jon, really?). A quick call to Buzz Osbourne confirms Fantomas will offer Mike Patton in a straight swap. The sniggering down the line suggests this may be more a practical joke on a bandmate than a genuine musical deal. Guitarist Richie Sambora is a required player (but not in a Port Power-Byron Pickett sense). He consistently shows variety and seems determined to break out of the funk the band is in, the one that means Complicated and the title track are both essentially the dire It's My Life again. David Bryan on keyboards and Tico Torres on drums are both expendable. Torres is part of a three-way trade, moving to Oasis, who have realised that Zak Starkey isn't actually his father. Starkey in turn heads to Green Day (who have also realised that Zak Starkey isn't his father) and Tre Cool joins Bon Jovi. A last-minute deal with Yes sees Bryan and first rights on Desmond Child's production being swapped for Rick Wakeman: Yes claim they're sick of his keyboards and Bon Jovi had forgotten they actually had any. Whether this new Bon Jovi line-up of Patton, Wakeman, Cool and current members Sambora and Hugh McDonald can resurrect the band remains to be seen. The simple fact is that whatever they come up with, it can't possibly be less inspiring than this.  |
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