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Big Brother.
"Steeeeeeeve Jooooones, he's the man, Steve Jones," comes the
enthusiastic, deliriously loud singing voice of Mike Goldman,
'Big Brother' voiceover man and host of 'Big Brother Up Late'
and '...Friday Night Live', as he greets me over the phone.
He sounds as though he's been having a few too many late nights
lately. "Yes, I'm a little bit overtired and I haven't had any
sleep and I'm acting a bit strange," he explains, blaming his
thirteen-to-fourteen hour shifts.
It's that time of the year again and there's no avoiding the madcap mayhem, tanked up tantrums and titillating controversy right there on our TV as what starts out as a group of 14 complete strangers are locked in a house, only to make utter fools of themselves in front of the entire country, enduring privacy depravation, oppressive rules, humiliating situations and body odours as they slowly twist the knives in each others' backs. For the next three months these no-shame nobodies are there 24/7 for our cruel and perverse amusement; and I love it!
I start by telling Goldman that I think, as I've done for the last four seasons, that this year's intake are the biggest lot of obnoxious losers ever, the only possible saving grace being the Logan twins Greg and Dave (who are currently being swapped to see if the other housemates notice).
"Its funny you know, we love to hate them," he laughs of the housemates, "and at the same time it's entertaining to watch people that you don't really like that much, and that's why this show is so great because you can vote them out."
Goldman is as passionate as I am, though since he's a host of the show he holds back on too many identifying details of exactly who his favourites are.
"I would say that I'm annoyed with the housemates [Constance and Nelson] who said that they didn't have boyfriend or girlfriend, and when they get in the house they say, 'Oh yeah, I've got a girlfriend on the outside. I tricked Big Brother!'"
With all the background checks and psychological testing the housemates have to endure before entering the house, I wondered how this slipped past BB's notice.
"We can't actually check on people at home in their daily life," he laments. "But it's great TV, and that's what you've got to put it down to. I mean, these people, the majority of whom are quite smart [or "very intellect", and that people "just misconstrue their minds", we both joke, knowingly]... I mean, Tim is a journalist and a few of the others have university degrees and you'd think that they would notice something like [the Logan brothers switch]."
Those familiar with BB would have to agree that this year's $5,000 fine system for every breach of the house rules is yet another bastard act by the faceless man behind the mirror.
"The thing is, they know that the prize is a million," Goldman argues, "or somewhere near it depending on how many times they get pinged, and that's a lot of money so it's not going to be a little holiday in a house. This is a show where they have to compete against each other to win a hell of a lot of money, and it's not going to be friendly."
And as for Constance having all her personal possessions taken away from her as soon as she arrived...
"That wasn't Big Brother being mean," he says defensively, "that was the housemates, because they chose her. They could've chosen a bloke because guys wouldn't care, but they chose to take them off a girl who's high maintenance. That was a test in human behaviour to see how they'd react and yes, it was horrible. But go on one of the other shows where you have to go sit in the jungle and get eaten by mosquitos and you'll see that this show is so much easier than that."
Is it though? "What, because poor Diddums didn't get her makeup one night and was really upset? Awww, how sad! I mean, is she going to be crying if she wins the money? And what about the housemates that keep forgetting to put their microphones on?" he says of another $5,000 breach. "How are we supposed to hear what they're saying? I think they should sleep with their microphones on!"
Stayed tuned, because Goldman has hinted that his boss has only just begun to get nasty.
Steve Jones
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The human drama continues on Channel 10.
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